09.07.26
Should I start another business?
Slow progress yesterday. My Mac is becoming quite ancient now, and it’s really struggling as the film evolves and lengthens. It’s been working against me and I need to look at new equipment, but I’m reluctant to spend money at the moment, for obvious reasons. My wife intervened and said, “look, it’s a false economy - you need working equipment. If it’s holding you back, do something about it”. I looked into a new machine, and there’s a chip crunch at the moment, so the prices are all inflated, but I ordered a new Mac and a new SSD - if I don’t do it now, I’m going to have to do it sooner rather than later anyway.
Naturally, that pulled me away from the task in hand and sent me off down the misty psychological tunnel known as “yeah, but where’s the money coming from?” I started having a hunt around online - is there something I can do in the near term, just to get some cash through the door, pay for this Mac? I had a look around some of the freelance marketplaces and the casual, short-term work boards and it was just not fruitful. Most of the roles I saw were for video editing on YouTube channels. The money is way below what I’d accept, really, and all I kept thinking as I browsed was, “but why would I make videos for you? Why wouldn’t I just do your entire channel for myself?”
This type of activity is where you clarify who you are - my career history does not lie. It made me realise that making my own way is always what I’ve done since I was a teenager, and it’s not going to change; it’s just who I am. And I’ve muddled through ok so far. But, of course, the successive thought was, “have I done something stupid?”, again. This is the regular flex of the muscle of doubt: have I done something stupid? The position that I was in could have been leveraged in so many ways, and I just threw it all up and abandoned it. There are dozens of people - I see them here on Substack - who would give their eye teeth to have been in my position and have access to the opportunities that came with it. And yet I’ve tossed it away. Isn’t it ridiculously self-indulgent?
I had to remind myself that I’m not one of those people anymore. I’m happy to pass on the benefit of my experience, where I can, and to help those people take my place; but it’s not a place I wanted to be. It wasn’t making me happy, it wasn’t bringing me any joy or satisfaction with my creativity. And that’s why it needed to be brought to an end, and I needed to say “no” to it. The muscle of doubt will waste over time.
I’m thinking this over on my walk, the sea this morning is absolutely incredible. Calm. It helped to calm and settle my thoughts. I’ve had a new business idea, which I think would help elevate the possibilities for the independent, low-budget filmmaking community, but it would be a lot of work. I started thinking about what infrastructure would be needed, what the capital requirements might be. I sat down on the beach for a few minutes and tapped an outline into Obsidian. Ah, but even as I think this, is it what I really want to do?
For anyone who’s reading this, you should know that the description of this newsletter is completely accurate: my photograph and daily walk as it happens. This text originates as a voice note; I’m recording my thoughts as I walk, which is why the prose is a little more unfinished and colloquial than it would be if I was sitting down to actually write. As I continue to walk, I find myself reining that idea back in. The whole point was to simplify my existence and to leave more space for reflection and creativity, not to start another complicated business, negotiating with large companies and looking for capital. Come off it, man. Remember what the mission is.
No one reads Seaverses, I have four subscribers. A readership is not the point of it, anyway, but if anyone was reading, I would ask “what would you do? Take a run at the big league? Or stick with materially much lower rewards, but potentially much greater spiritual ones (although also more precarious and unstable). Keep to my mission of a small solo operation focussed on creativity, or pursue a new income-generating business with a potentially very high ceiling?” Always the eternal question.
I hit a creative block last night in trying to make a particular sequence work, but it cleared by morning. I woke with the answer, a good, creative solution. But I’m also opening a lot of holes in my timeline to be filled with animation, rostrum work, graphics, and the necessity for as-yet-unearthed archive.
In any case, I’m pleased to have broken through the block, and I’m going to resume work on that sequence right now.